I can hear you

I am not one to walk alone in the dark but tonight, after institute, I just needed some time to think and ponder about things (and maybe just cry a little), so I walked home all by myself.  I know, probably not the smartest decision, but I really needed it!  On my mission I got so used to having time on my bike as we traveled from appointment to appointment to think and ponder and pray.  It became some of my most treasured time.  Since I came to school I kind of recreated that time as I walked to and from campus.  I am so not one to drive to campus or take the bus because I cherished my walking/pondering time so much.  I didn't realize  how much I missed that time until today when I walked home.  With my practicum I don't walk to campus anymore.  With that little preface, my mind was flooded with thoughts and emotions as I walked down Old Main hill.  I had a lot of experiences today that gave me a lot to think about.  First of all, while I was in the Kindergarten class today, I just couldn't stop yawning!  I was so sleepy and I had so little energy and I could tell that Mrs. El-bakri was catching on.  Because she knows nothing about me, I began to feel really frustrated!  She has no idea that I went to bed last night at 10:00.  She has no idea that I do have a disease from which I suffer extreme fatigue.  She has no idea that that is just not who I am inside!  I began to think, "She probably thinks that I am a slacker and that I don't care about school!  She probably thinks that I stayed up and partied last night!  She probably thinks that I am irresponsible!"  That frustration stayed with me all day.  When I got back from school at 4:30 I took a little nap.  I had a hard time falling asleep because the stress of my doctors appointment tomorrow weighed on my mind.  When I awoke, Steph was busy in the kitchen preparing dinner.  My desire was to jump in and help her, and yet it was all I could do to just sit at the counter because I wasn't feeling well.  I felt so useless.  And then I went to institute.  The topic of the lesson was so fitting for my day and how I was feeling.  We studied the story of Joseph of Egypt and focused specifically on how he faced his trials and afflictions with faith and obedience.  Although I could not compare my trials at all with the intensity of those that Joseph faced (I can't even imagine what he had to go through!), I learned much from his example.  We all can.  I always hesitate writing so openly about how I am really feeling because sometimes I feel as though it comes off as complaining or wanting pity.  But my real intention is to share some insights with you that I am gaining through experience to maybe help you in some way because we all have trials and afflictions.  It is just a part of mortal life!  Anyway, as I left institute I was feeling really down.  I am not feeling like I don't deserve to go through what I am facing, but I often feel as though I am failing at dealing with the things in my life with patience and trust in the Lord.  I always feel as though He is pouring out blessings upon me and yet I am too ungrateful to notice them, and then I feel as though I don't deserve them.  As these thoughts and feelings raced through my head during my walk home, a memory came to my mind.  It is something that is very sacred to me that I do not share with many but I feel that it is appropriate now.  I did share it at my "homecoming" so it may be familiar to some of you.  I never have happy dreams.  They are actually usually nightmares.  But when I was 17 I had a dream that I will never forget!  It was at a time in my life that I was busy with so many things.  I was trying my hardest to do my best but no matter how hard I tried, I felt as though it wasn't enough.  Well, in my dream it was a warm, sunny Sunday afternoon and I was enjoying time with my family out in our backyard.  Suddenly, a bright, indescribable light appeared in the heavens and I realized that it was the Second Coming of the Savior, Jesus Christ.  Immediately all around me began to praise the Lord.  They were all singing "Beautiful Savior."  I wanted to join with them in the singing because I wanted the Lord to know just how much I loved Him, how thankful I was for His infinite Atonement, and how thankful I was for His love.  As I opened my mouth to sing, nothing would come out.  I tried harder and harder, but nothing would come.  I was distraught thinking that He would think that I was ungrateful and didn't love Him.  I fell to the ground with my face in my hands and began to sob.  All of a sudden I felt a warm and loving embrace.  As I moved my hands to see who it was, the Savior stood before me.  He whispered softly in my ear, "Even though no one else can hear you, I can hear you."  That has stuck with me and often during challenging times I am reminded of it.  I am reminded to remember that the Lord knows my heart and my desires.  He loves me and is aware of me.  He can "hear me" even when the rest of the world can't.  I know that it is the same for you.  He notices all that you do and He is thankful for all of your efforts.  Never forget that He loves you!  We can help remind each other!  I love you so much!