The Cycle

I am learning just how stubborn and bull-headed I am.  I have been going through this cycle for 13 months now and I still haven't learned how to flow with it.  Today I felt like I did on my mission.  In those last three months I can't even count how many days I would wake up at 6:30, exercise, shower and get ready, and then be totally wiped out of energy and strength.  I would force myself to study at my desk until I couldn't stand sitting up anymore.  I would then make my way to the floor next to my desk with all of my books spread out around me.  But before to long I would have to make my way back into my bed with my skirt on and my scriptures next to me because I felt so sick.  It was a never-ending cycle!  At the end of the day I would be so tired of being sick and in bed and I would have such desire to go out and work that I was definitely over-zealous during planning sessions with my companions.  They would always suggest to try and not schedule every minute of the day but to take little breaks throughout so that I could rest.  I didn't want to!  Before that time there wasn't one day in my mission that I had not worked!  I wanted to serve the Lord!  Giving 90% was not good enough, let alone giving 50%.  And so I would convince my companions and myself that the next day we were going to work til we dropped...we were going to give 100%!  But, inevitably, the cycle would start over again the next morning.  Looking back, I don't know how I did it.  I didn't know that I had mixed connective tissue disease.  I sincerely thought that I was just going crazy and that my body was freaking out on me.  Now I do know what I have, and I am not one bit wiser!  Like last Sunday I decided that I was sick of taking naps during the day when I am zapped of energy.  I was never a nap-taker before, I was certain that I could just decide not to be one now.  I set a goal that this whole week I was not going to take a nap.  I did really great until Thursday when I just crashed!  I started to experience all of my symptoms on a larger scale and really felt crumby.  I did take a little nap that afternoon but had no time to do so on Friday or Saturday.  By Saturday night, I was dying...but determined!  I was NOT going to miss church!  I was not going to miss teaching my lesson that I had prepared.  I went to sleep and woke up determined this morning.  I often convince myself that my will must be strong than my body.  Well, after taking a shower this morning, I started to put my make-up on and I could hardly hold up my head.  I was achey all over, I had the chills and a fever, and I had a massive headache.  But I was determined.  I continued to get ready as I did my hair.  I had to take breaks every few minutes when blowdrying or straightening because I just didn't have the strength to stay standing.  I finally got all dressed in my clothes and then it happened....I laid on the bed because I still had an hour until we had to leave at 9:15.  I thought that would be long enough to give me the boost to go to church.  I quickly dosed off.  At about 9, Tish came to ask me a question.  I couldn't move.  I hurt all over.  It had spread to my ears and they were just throbbing.  I wasn't going to make it.  I had failed once again.  As I heard my roommates leave for church my eyes welled with tears.  I wanted so badly to go and worship the Savior.  I craved partaking of the Sacrament.  I longed to feel the Spirit.  I desired to give my lesson.  And really, I just found myself laying in bed, hopeless and alone.  I turned to my nightstand and saw the book that I have been reading over the past week, "The Continuous Atonement" by Brad Wilcox.  Just a few weeks before I had left on my mission I worked an EFY session and Brad Wilcox was the session director.  It was awesome to hear him speak but it wasn't until the second to last day of the week that I was able to personally meet him.  It was actually during the talent show.  I was sitting with my girls watching the different talents and he sat down on an empty chair next to me.  He started talking to me in-between numbers and we got acquainted.  I told him that I was going to be leaving in 2 weeks to serve a full-time mission in the Netherlands.  He was so sincere with his excitement!  He asked how I was feeling about it all and I told him that I was ecstatic but also a little nervous.  Well, our conversation ended quickly and I was just really impressed with how genuine he was.  The next day, as I was walking down the hall of the institute building, I heard someone call out my name.  I turned around to see Brad Wilcox.  He motioned to me to come to him.  He then handed me a grocery sack with his book inside.  He wanted to give it to me so that I could read it before going on my mission.  I couldn't believe his generosity!  When I opened it up that night, I saw a message that he had written on the inside to me.  I was able to read the book before I entered the MTC and it really increased my understanding of the Atonement.  Upon entering the MTC, I was informed that there was already mail waiting for me.  As I was handed the envelope, I was surprised to see that Brad Wilcox had sent me a letter.  It was full of encouragement and best wishes during my time at the MTC.  I wrote back promptly thanking him...and once again, he responded!  You are probably wondering what I am getting at....well, here it is.  Through that experience I learned so much about Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.  They are sincere, genuine, generous.  As I was laying in bed today and pondering these things, I was reminded that Heavenly Father and Jesus go through the same cycle with me.  They see when I am setting myself up for failure.  They see my frustrations.  They comfort and bless me.  They never give up on me.  That cycle is endless.  They will always love me.  Because of their cycle, I am able to continue with mine.