I Believe in Christ, So Come What May

This is the line that really struck me on Sunday at the end of the CES Fireside as the choir sang, "I Believe in Christ."  It has been running through my mind ever since then.  It has given me a power or a resolution to be more accepting of the will of the Lord.  It has helped me recommit myself to keep my baptismal covenants...to "stand as a witness of Him at all times, in all places, and in all things."  It has given me strength to realize that with Christ on my side, I can do anything...absolutely ANYTHING!  I think that I always believed that but that I am really being tested now to show that I believe it.  I received more test results last Thursday from a second set of blood tests that I did over Labor Day weekend.  I was hoping that things would come back better than they were, and that the tests before were really just a few false positives.  I was at the library with Katie when the nurse called.  I ran outside so I could talk to her and write the results down.  She told me that I still had a positive ANA, that my RNP had climbed from a 1.8 to a 2.3, and that one more test came back positive, the SSA.  At the end of the phone call she confirmed the test results by saying, "These tests are indications that you have an autoimmune disease, most likely Lupus or a connective tissue disorder."  My heart sank but adrenaline kicked in and I just wanted to know what the SSA test meant.  I ran back into the library to check on the internet when the thought came to me that I needed to call my mom and tell her before I headed to my next class.  I went back outside and sat on one of the benches.  People were all around.  When I heard my mom's voice, I lost it.  I hadn't cried about any of this autoimmune business because I was in total denial but, for the first time, it hit me that it was real.  My mom was so sweet and understanding and comforting.  I didn't really care that I was crying and that other people were seeing me.  Katie came out right as I got off the phone and I know that she was a little shocked to see me with tears running down my face because only a few minutes earlier we were laughing and enjoying one another's company.  She was also so kind and compassionate.  We headed to class and I could hardly focus for that whole hour.  It was like time was just standing still.  That day now seems kind of like a blur to me but I will never forget the people who helped me so much.  I am so thankful for my mom and dad who listened to me and gave me courage and hope.  I am so thankful to Tish who spent the afternoon with me.  I am thankful for Teresa for letting me sleep at her house that evening.  I am realizing that all of these people that I am surrounded by are blessings from the Lord letting me know that I can do this.  I really believe that it is true that when you experience the most sorrow you also experience the most joy...the sorrow empties out a spot for it.  I am thankful that the Lord knows how to "succor His people."  I am thankful that He is giving me this wonderful opportunity to learn and grow and develop more faith in Him.  I am learning how to pray more sincerely and how to search the scriptures with more desire.  Sometimes I don't know how to keep going, and that is why I am thankful for a dear friend who taught me not to say, "Heavenly Father, I can't do this!" but rather, "Heavenly Father, I don't know how to do this anymore.  Will you please teach me how?"  I am thankful for those who continue to stand by me even when they see me in my purest form, with my frustration and fear.  I am thankful for the gospel.  What a wonderful blessing it is!  I love the Lord and my greatest desire is to come closer to Him and become more like Him through all of this.  Thank you for all of your wonderful examples and love.