What I do does not make me who I am

Okay, so since this is my journal right now, I just have to take a second to write a few things that have been on my mind.  So I know that I wrote about my test results I got back from the doctor about a month ago...well the doctor is almost positive that I have Lupus.  I just have to wait to go to a specialist in December and he can give an actual diagnosis.  It has changed my life quite a bit.  I am tired all of the time and that requires me to take naps frequently (like daily).  I also get sick A LOT.  It is a different kind of sick every time.  This past week I was up two mornings in a row at about 4 laying on the floor of the bathroom (sick, I know, but when you're not feeling well you don't really care anymore) feeling so weak and faint.  Thanks to my Mom who stayed right by me to help me out!  I don't have an appetite.  I have to start thinking hours before meal time about what I want to eat.  So if we ever eat together, please just pick what we were are going to eat...it doesn't matter to me!  My joints ache, especially at night.  It usually is in my shoulders, fingers, elbows and ankles.  I am pretty restless at night.  Takes a long time to fall asleep even though I am dead tired and wouldn't be able to do anything useful if I was up.  I have to call things off a lot.  I hate to even make plans with anyone anymore because I am scared I am going to have to say last-minute "sorry, but I am sick again today."  Thanks to all of those who don't give up on me.  Your understanding and patience means the world to me!  Okay, so I am not writing this so that you will feel bad for me...definitely NOT my purpose!  Everyone has struggles and trials.  This just happens to be mine.  I am learning a ton through this experience.  I am especially learning about who I am.  I used to think (that is, like a week ago) that what I do makes me who I am.  Now, don't get me wrong, that is somewhat true.  But what I am referring to is who I actually am, that is, a child of Heavenly Father.  There is nothing that I could or couldn't do that would change that.  I will always be His daughter and He will always love me.  I know I learned about this from the time I was born but the experiences that I am going through now are helping me to really understand it.  I think my biggest frustration over the past 7 months is that I feel like I haven't been able to do what I want to, and have felt, at times, worthless.  I am so blessed to have wonderful family and friends and so many other blessings.  I wish I could just spend my time serving others and making them happy!  I came to believe that love was something that I had to earn, so when I couldn't do something for others, they automatically didn't love me anymore.  This became quite devastating for me because I felt the love so strongly for others but I didn't feel like I could show it.  I felt so ungrateful.  My physical health was holding me back.  And then I learned the greatest lesson.  I learned it from my family and friends, but especially from those in the Netherlands.  When I first started to get sick I was in my last area, Den Haag, and had been there for 6 months.  I knew the members and had a great love for them.  When I found out that I was going to be able to stay an extra 3 months on my mission I was so thankful knowing that I would be able to serve the Lord and the Dutch people a little longer.  But it sure didn't turn out the way I expected.  Rather, those people served me.  They loved me and took care of me.  They sacrificed so much to keep missionary work going.  I couldn't understand why they were doing what they did because I wasn't doing anything in return.  And then it hit me....they are true disciples of Jesus Christ.  They had developed charity.  They were living their baptismal covenant by serving others selflessly.  It was hard to be the one served.  It was definitely out of my comfort zone.  I would just plead with Heavenly Father that I would get better so I could fulfill the desires in my heart.  Well, that didn't happen...I am still sick often.  But I have learned that as I follow the Spirit and do my best to do the things Heavenly Father would have me do, I can still be His servant and help others.  It is usually through very small things.  But I am thankful for anything I can do for Him and others to show my gratitude.  I am thankful for this little trial and the lessons I am learning.  I hope that I can become the one who serves and loves as Christ would.  I am so thankful for the gospel and the Atonement.  Always remember who you are...and that can never change!  I love you!