When you have done your very best, you may still experience disappointments, but you will not be disappointed in yourself.It really hit me that I am often disappointed in myself. For the first 18 months of my mission I feel like I did my best (not perfect) although I did have some disappointments. When I think of the last 3 months, I can't help but be a little disappointed in myself. I didn't do my best, not because I chose not to, but because I physically couldn't. I can't even tell you how many times I have wondered why. It is not a why because I don't feel like I should have gotten sick, but rather a why did it have to happen at that time; a time when I wanted so bad to serve so much! I know that I can't have answers to all of my questions but I don't think that Heavenly Father wants me to continue being disappointed in myself for those last 3 months of my mission. It should not weigh me down but rather put in me a desire to improve. It came to me, as I was driving, that I need to retrace all of my steps of deciding to go on a mission and then all of the things that happened on my mission...the miracles, the sorrows, the blessings...everything! Maybe I could then see the bigger picture and take my focus off of those things that are disappointing to me but that I had no control over. So tonight, I am going to share why I decided to go on a mission. I will continue the rest of the story in a later blog post.
When I was 14 I really had my own testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. The Atonement meant something to me personally. I was realizing that as I chose to live the commandments, I was blessed and more happy. I experienced the joy of service. I felt promptings come from the Spirit. I received answers to prayers. As I started to feel and experience all of these things, my desire to share that joy and happiness with others increased! At that time, I had a Young Women's leader whose daughter was on a mission. She would often share her daughter's experiences during lessons on Sunday or at mutual. That's when I decided that I was going to go on a mission! I stuck to my decision and did everything I could to prepare for the day I would leave for a year and a half to serve the Lord. I figured out the day that I could go to my Bishop and start feeling out my papers. I wanted to get going as soon as possible; however, something didn't feel quite right. Every time I would think about a mission I would feel a little uneasy. I tried to ignore those feelings but they kept coming back. I prayed and pleaded with the Lord to allow me to go but I just had that "stupor of thought." I did go an visit with my Bishop and we both decided together that I needed to wait until I felt better about things. That was a test of patience! I had planned for years to go and I just couldn't understand why I didn't feel good about it but I pressed forward. I made other plans. I was deciding between going to Africa or India to do a service trip. I was going to continue with my schooling. And even with all of these plans, I could not forget my desire to share the gospel with others as a full time missionary. The Sunday after my 21st birthday was fast Sunday. I decided to fast with a purpose; I fasted to receive revelation as to what direction I should go in my life. I can remember so distinctly in sacrament meeting receiving a strong prompting that it was time to start feeling out my mission papers. I questioned my feelings wondering how the answer could change so drastically and quickly but I could not deny what I felt. After church I did a lot of praying and pondering and thinking. I had received my answer that I was to go on a mission. I called my parents to let them know how I was feeling. They were 100% supportive. That evening, after ward prayer, I talked to my Bishop and told him how I was feeling. He was also supportive and gave me access to my papers that night. That was March 29th. The next day I set up a doctor and dentist appointment and got my papers filled out as much as I could. On Tuesday I went and did all of my blood work. On Thursday I had my doctor appointment. On Friday I had my dentist appointment. Saturday I took my picture that I would send with my call and by Saturday afternoon everything was completed. I was in shock! Everything happened so quickly and seemed to be falling right into place. My Bishop called me Saturday night to see how things were coming along and when I told him that my papers were finished, he made an appointment with me to meet with him the next night, and then to meet with the Stake president directly afterward. After my interviews my papers were submitted! Within exactly a week of deciding to go on a mission I was just waiting for the call. The call came a week and a half later! On April 15th we suspected that it might come so my Mom and sister were anxiously watching the mail. I was in Logan just pacing. There was so much anticipation! At around 4 'o clock that afternoon, my call arrived! I jumped in the car with my roommates and headed home. All of the extended family came over and I opened the call surrounded by family and friends. Belgium, Brussels/Netherlands! It just seemed to fit! I would enter the MTC on July 15. I couldn't have been more excited!
It is getting late! There are so many details I want to share...but that will have to happen another day! Goodnight!
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